What in the world is Cognitive Dissonance?

Have you ever found yourself being annoyed by a friend who may continually do things that are harmful? Have you found yourself judging a who friend chooses to stay in a relationship with the awareness that their partner is cheating or is abusive and manipulative? Have you ever gotten mad at someone who may smoke cigarettes with the awareness that long term smoking can cause cancer? Sound familiar? This is Cognitive Dissonance.

The theory of Cognitive Dissonance was first proposed by Leon Festinger in 1957. It is a conflict of beliefs, attitudes, or behaviors. This happens when a person strongly holds on to a belief simply because they want to believe it. When contrary evidence appears to threaten that belief, the person tends to fight against accepting the evidence no matter how obvious it is because it goes against the original belief. It has been proven that the brain has difficulty reconciling the two notions: the belief and the truth. When a person is struggling with Cognitive Dissonance, it can look like the person may be intentionally choosing to do something that may be causing them harm, but in reality, the person is in conflict.

This type of conflict is often a result of narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic Abuse is verbal abuse that often shame based. The abuser projects their own shame onto the victim. Other forms of narcissistic abuse are manipulation, gaslighting, sabotage, exploitation, and isolation. Narcissistic often abusers tend to target people who empathetic, kind, compassionate, and trusting.

Often people who struggle with this are judged by their peers because it seems so illogical to other people. The truth is that there are ways to reconcile this internal struggle. If you or a friend struggle with cognitive dissonance, keep in mind that you may have previous evidence of good in a person or a situation at hand. You may have held on to that evidence because it may invoke a positive feeling, emotion, or memory in you. The contrary evidence can be shattering for some people because of the value that they may have placed in the original belief. Admitting that the original belief, is no longer true can be a struggle that can take a while to overcome. Here are three ways to help in this process:

Consider the importance of the belief. Why does it matter so much to you?

1. Journal about your thoughts, beliefs, and the new evidence. It is often cathartic write about your current thoughts, but it can be a revelation to re-read the information and see it in your own words.

2. Consider how the new evidence may affect you positively. Don’t concentrate on the negative affects.

For more information about Cognitive Dissonance, check out the link below:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/you-illuminated/200911/why-it-s-hard-stop-believing-in-santa-claus

By: Brandi Lewis, M.Ed, LPC

Photo By: Christian Newman

Most people understand what dependence and independence look like, but counter dependence is not something that many people are familiar. It is often used by mental health professionals, but not consistently in common conversation. Counter dependence is defined as the fear of being dependent. People who are counter dependent often go the extra mile to avoid asking for help or try to appear or even feel needy. In short, they are often, as the song says, I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, but in a more extreme way.

Adults who may have experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) may experience counter dependence. CEN as defined by Jonice Webb in the book, Running On Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect and Running On Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships With Your Partner, Your Parents, and Your Children, is “what happens when throughout your childhood, your parents fail to respond enough to your emotional needs.” The message that many counter dependent people may receive as children is that asking for help is a sign of weakness, not to show feelings, or need anything from anyone. According to Webb, here are a few signs of counter-dependence:

• People you love may describe you as “aloof” or emotionally distant.

• You struggle with asking for help.

• You may remember your childhood as happy, but also lonely.

• Close relationships may make you feel uncomfortable.

• You prefer to do things alone.

• You may have inexplicable or longstanding desires to run away or even die.

• You may have inexplicable feelings of depression.

If you identify with any of these traits, consider taking the CEN Questionnaire and sign up for a Discovery Session to talk about your needs today!

By: Brandi Lewis, M.Ed, LPC

We live in a fast paced world where jobs, families, and the hustle and bustle of life may often take precedence over our mental health. The struggle is definitely real for so many people! To maximize your mental health, here are a few simple steps to help you along your journey:

1. Stop Apologizing

As women, we often unintentionally apologize for our weight, our hair, our tears, status in life, number of children or lack of children, our communities, and our careers among many things. It is strongly encouraged that you stop apologizing! Who you are and where you are in life are not things that you should be embarrassed or apologetic. It has been said that life is not fair or perfect and we are all striving toward something. Why not accept and own where you are? Consider clapping for yourself on your journey. It is quite possible that you are doing the very best that you can.

2. Give Yourself a Minute to Take a Break

Practicing Self-Care, Gratitude, Positive Thinking, and Mindfulness are all power practices in the world of mental health these days, but it has been found that each of these practices can enhance one’s quality of life. Research has shown that,the stress hormone, cortisol, can wreak havoc on the body, often leading to foggy thinking, fatigue, pessimism, weight gain, and even substance abuse.  Alternatively, self care often aids with this. Positive thinking even with simply thinking about what you are most grateful for or observing the moment are all methods of mindfulness. Other ways to care more for yourself are getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, moving slower throughout the day, and doing something you enjoy. Think of it this way, you can’t give from an empty cup. Find things that fill your cup, so to speak, and do that. Consider what’s taking your energy and alleviate your stress

3. Just Say No

The word “no” is often considered a bad word. In fact, many people may have gotten in trouble as children for saying “no.” The word in and of itself isn’t a bad word, in fact, saying “no” can often open the door to more “yeses.” Consider saying yes to the things that you genuinely want to do and no to things that you don’t want to do. Sometimes, the things that you don’t want to do are often things that you may feel obligated to do, or you may do them because the people involved may be people you care about deeply. If you say no the things that you don’t want to do, you may have time to do the things that you really want to do and spent time with the people who matter to you. Just say yes to you.

Small changes can yield big results. Give these a try!

By: Brandi Lewis, M.Ed, LPC

According to Mark Manson, author of the book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, “Self-awareness is like great sex: everyone thinks they have a ton of it, but in reality no one knows what they’re doing.” It can be concluded that there is some truth to that. Have you ever considered how self aware you really are?

Many people may walk through life on autopilot simply because routines and habits help us to operate in some aspects of our lives without much thought. According Manson, growth requires meta-cognition and meta-Cognition requires vulnerability and self-awareness. In other words, how do your values control your actions and reactions? Are you vulnerable enough to evaluate why you think the way that you do? With this concept, he created the Self-Awareness Onion. Understanding ourselves and our emotions is a lot like examining the layers of an onion. Are you willing to step back to evaluate your emotions and reactions? Check out the free worksheet below.

By: Brandi Lewis, M.Ed, LPC

Owner, Brandi Lewis, was included in the article, 23 Things To Let Go of to Be Happy in 2019: Start the New Year with Less Weight on Your Shoulders. in Best Life Online.com.written by Lauren Gray. The article was published on December 12, 2018.

Photo by Sebastian Pichler on Unsplash